Connect the dots

One of my Sunday school teachers, Mike Mckay, first introduced me to the concept of stream of consciousness (the one-by-one steps of a thought process) by playing a game in which he gave us two unrelated topics and had us try to connect them and bring it back full circle. He was amazing at it and wowed us by picking up where we would get stuck. I find myself entertaining myself by doing this silently throughout the day. Geeky, I know; but also extremely satisfying for me as a TBI patient.

This game leaks over into all areas of my life as I am mentally making connections (with the books I read, people I talk to, mundane Mr. Mom moments, and even what I watch on TV) all day long. I have to remind myself that, thankfully, not everyone sees the world the same way I do, that the obvious connections from my point of view are only that because they are uniquely mine. Another great "ah-ha" moment for me, the narcissist in recovery. My most recent find has come by a recommendation by my Bishop: the online candeo behavior change program. I am loving it, but I am a Psychology geek. Step one: out of denial, CHECK. Step two: (my connection) Everyone has problems, but everyone has hope.

Maxwell brought home a connect-the-dot duck for homework today. I chuckled at the coincidence and the thought of me at one point in my occupational therapy doing connect-the-dots and missing the left side of the picture. I would often get to number 43, but could not find 44 because it was in my vision cut. Because I could not see the next step, I would move on to the number I could find. This usually resulted in a some sort of decapitated cartoon animal or a man with one leg. Obviously, missing the necessary steps didn't get the desired result. I have been repeating another one of my Pa's sayings, "49 to 50." I did that today after therapy and he responded that it was time to be at 50 and now go to 51. Connection: Sometimes I get frustrated and depressed at being at only step 49 and knowing how far I need to still go. Sometimes moving only one dot at a time feels like I'm not moving at all and I want to skip ahead and finish the pictures. But skipping necessary, though frustrating, steps will only end in a metaphorically decapitated  result.

The Funnies

First, a disclaimer on these posts of my collection of finding humor in everyday life, I was asked by a therapist after my accident, "Curtis,what do you do to laugh?"  It made me realize that I was being to serious with life and although I have always been prone to worry, I was letting it take over my life, and become my personal definition of hell; a place or mindset with no laughter allowed. So, these have become my self medicating posts to help me find and recall the moments in life that help me laugh and let go of my worries. Laugh along with me, it has become for me the best therapy that life has to offer.
I grew up with and loved Calvin & Hobbes and The Farside comics.My brothers and I collected their books that we received at Christmas every year.

I was amazed to see how much My Colester resembles Calvin, when my Pa tried to do his hair before going to therapy. Coleman does not like being called anything but Coleman and cried, telling us "that was weird!"

While we were up at Bear Lake for Blake and Madd's beautiful wedding on the beach Shafe told the kids that he saw a moose and when Mindy, Aunty Em's little dog ran under his chair he yelled out,"there's the moose!" Now my kids call'Mindy,Moose'"Mindy,"but cannot say it without laughing.
He also told the kids that he saw a jackrabbit outside, I couldn't resist and asked my Max how Pappa(Shafe) knew that the rabbit's name was 'Jack?'

My Colester came downstairs crying that he couldn't go potty in his potty because there was water in it.I showed him the big potty and the water in it and found myself trying to explain to an almost 3 year old why it was not only okay that there was water, but in fact it was better because it was easier to clean. I gave in after a minute or so and just sat him down crying and shut the door.Another great parenting moment.Man, I am racking them up.

I was excited to tell and even more excited to show Matt Hanson at Neuroworx my new skill at doing the stairs at a normal one at a time speed there. Ever the therapist he gave in and watched me closely giving me the feedback, "Looks great Curtis, next time do it with your head up."

While working out,during therapy at Neuroworx, a good friend and therapist,Mike told me to continue to do reps, but he,"wanted to see my money-making face up and smiling." If he had not just got married,I would have given him a hard time for 'hitting' on me during therapy, instead he pulled the mirror over and told me to "show him the money!"Insert sparkling smile on my face here('ding' as the white star-like image appears on my teeth, I was going to say,'flashes, but thought that it may be used in the wrong connotation.').

Coleman gets up with Abby and Max in the mornings and wrestles with me in bed, saying things like:"Oh, Man, " and "My Mommy no go!"

At my Lacer's wedding, seeing my niece coach her younger, inexperienced brother Kyson on how to ask my Abby to dance. watching the kids dance, Maxwell and the Colester must have got some of the theatrical genes from their mom too.

My friend Joe Fernandez making me a YELLOW T-shirt that say,s "CurtIS CHAMPION "

Lex asking me to give her feedback on her student's performance of Bye, Bye Birdie and me first telling her that she is amazing, to which she responded, "No really." I laughed and told her that she has ruined me, I cannot go and see a show without dissecting it. I told her that there was a part at the end where her two leads are singing their love duet and they were to be going up the stairs on the same step, but were off by just one and that I could not help to think, I know my Lexy and she would never direct you like that!

My grandparents getting up from their seats to get me a dinner plate and give me a place to sit.

Maxwell singing the 'Jingle Bells song' with the words that I remember getting in trouble for substituting in: Batman smells, Robin lays an egg, the Bat mobile lost a wheel and joker got away." Now there is an updated verse that he sings something about smelly Potter.

Going to Disney's 'Frozen' with my family and laughing so hard at the snowman's song about summertime that I was crying.

Getting to therapy early to see a few of the therapists doing the 'Insanity'  workout video. I told them that I was excited to see them suffer and to be able to relate to the 'insanity' that us patients go through there. I spoke too soon because Jan told me to start in on the abbs segment -What is the difference between a terrorist and a therapist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Matt and Jenn bring dinner over and being serenaded by their Lizzy doing her job in the bathroom and my Cole-Cole screaming at me from the stairs

Laughing at the 'Firefly' series that my brother and sister in law let me borrow and at every outburst my kids running over, climbing on me to get a glimpse at what I found funny.

Not having therapy the day after Christmas, Neuroworx was closed, I did go on Christmas Eve.My Abby girl came in and jumped on me in my bed to wake me up with a concerned question, "You are going to miss therapy dad, it's Thursday, you got to get up!" Since she hears that from Lex and I all the other weekdays about her and Maxwell getting up for school, I should have been expecting it. I was able to get into a tickle fight with her and tell her that it was closed. Exhausted, we both went back to sleep for a bit.
I had a bad experience with bacon when we went to the roadhouse to cook breakfast and it was my job to cook it. Since then I have been a bacon banner in my home. the smell of it cooking makes me nauseous and I have had enough nausea in my life. To my surprise the little hell raiser  of a daughter that I have, Abby loves bacon, and she is the kindest little girl I know

At my extended family Christmas party, my uncle Alan was helping spot me while walking to our car and we laughed at my brother Matthew's comment that here comes "grease lightning,"a nickname that I picked up from him a few years ago from my amazing ability to beat him in bowling although my bowling ball was the slowest one out there. He has also added "Thump-drag" to his roster of nicknames for me. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the spooky scout story of thump drag, ask your scouts as with every good story there are varying editions.

Maxwell has been home sick from school with me this past week, with a darn cold. He has gotten used to me babying him and I was surprised to hear him whine and ask me to put his plate in the sink for him, being to tiered and all -something about 'learned helplessness' dings in my BS degree in Psychology holding brain
I was able to go 21 days without the use of my wheelchair, thanks to my wife for getting a Christmas break, therapists who put up with me, and kids who cheer for me when I stand or walk without the use of my hiking pole!

Autopilot

For walking or doing much in my life, does not exist anymore for me. I find that if I do not control my thoughts, they will control me, from depression and anxiety to wishing for world peace. I cannot help to reference 'Batman Forever' on my autopilot post .
I have taken the challenge, that I gave to myself, to give my yellow beauty of a wheelchair Christmas break off.I find that everyone has had those moments of driving and not knowing how they ended up where they were going or where they ended up. I do not have that luxury with walking let alone driving. My brain is on constant overdrive to coordinate the 'kenomatics' of walking, the correct movements and balance, from hitting your heel first and transferring weight on the foot to swinging your opposite arm with that movement. I tease my therapists, shocking I know, when they ask me to walk and give me a list of things to remember to focus on while doing it, that they should be asking me to learn to juggle while they are at it.
I got carried away and spent 21 days wheelchair free and was exhausted, but CHAMPION. I did get a open sore on my ankle from all the walking and am letting that heal before I go a round of time off for my wheelchair, I just asked my Abby what we should name my wheelchair. I thought that since my left arm and left leg have names from her I would not get to weird of a look from her. I was right, she came up with "Lucky." Lucky it is.
Now that I am using lucky today, I could use some mental energy and post here. I have missed this, but I am a DW

Not so subtle satan

I am a bit slower than what I used to be, for the better,I hope, I noticed this past Thanksgiving how Black Friday is the day after the day we show gratitude for all that we have?! I am glad to have learned that after 'Cyber-Monday,' it is National 'Giving-Tuesday. Calm down Curtis and take your chill pill.
I am scared at the way things are going, but was reminded of President Packers remarks about him seeing the future as positive in the last LDS General Conference by one of Lex and my friends from high school Antoinette France. I am comforted that we are blessed by a loving Heavenly Father with Prophets to help us fortify our families and communities against the not so subtle attacks on us.

Present

'Tis the season to be thinking about them, using them as motivation for our kids, "You better watch out . . . ." Believe me being home all day with my kiddos, I am able to see the leverage of having an elf on the shelf not just during this time of year, but all year long. Something about "I need a little Christmas right this very moment. . . . "
C.S. Lewis writes as the senior devil in The Screwtape Letters to Wormwood the  devil in training about the 'present,' "We want a whole race perpetually in pursuit of the rainbow's end, never honest, nor kind, nor happy now, but always using as mere fuel wherewith to heap the altar of the future every real gift which is offered to them in the present." I have so much to be happy for right now in my life. I tell my therapists when I am struggling with a task as easy as bending over to pick something off the floor, that I can do this TBI because I get to see my kids run and play unhindered as kids should be. I have a life full of loving people who make me CHAMPION in there eyes for being a miracle that I have no credit in taking credit for. It is only through my Savor Jesus Christ and his cleansing and enabling atonement that I am able to find the courage to continue to make my best effort to fight the good fight
.With that in mind I have given my over-worked wheelchair the next two weeks off,since Lex is home for Christmas break, I have no excuse of being worried that I will fall and get stuck on the floor. I have used that as a crutch to keep in my wheelchair at home, so that my kids won't have that added trauma in their life. I have found that after going to church and having so many friends come and tell me that I looked great and that they were amazed, I probably should have done this a while ago.
The other day. Lex and I got some Christmas shopping done and were both apologetic at the unglamourisness of the gifts that we have for each other. It made me realize how I had missed the 'present' part of Christmas. Yes, we want to get our loved ones gifts that say, "I love you and am grateful for you in my life," but how do I put a price tag on a picture from my kids, or my neighbors knocking on my door when it is 10 degrees outside to sing me a Christmas Carol?

Return with honor: Mission Memoirs#6

Over a year on my mission and I was still a Jr. comp. I was frustrated and yet scared to become a senior companion. I am a complex person of often opposing emotions, not alone but lonely at times. So it was with excitement and a healthy dose of humility, being humble and not humiliated was written to be in a letter by my Pa at some point in my mission, that I was called to be senior companion to Elder Goodman from California in a mining town that was settled originally by Europeans and was in the shape of a Roman Helmet. The center being the main plaza and church with the major business and government agencies surrounding that,then layers of residential cookie-cut houses. It was a cultural experience, a two hour bus ride from the zone's central city of Chenarral.
Elder Goodman confided in me,telling me that he was mad at first to be called as my Jr. companion and was planning on giving me a hard time about it until he met me and found out that I was a "nice guy, just doing my best." It was rewarding to have won him over and to have had my prayers answered about my petty concerns of being an agreeable companion, as a Jr. myself all my Seniors were not only agreeable hard-workers, they were all in leadership positions too.
After two weeks of knocking on doors and trying my best to be the senior comp who wasn't all about the numbers. I got a call from my mission President Call asking me how the work was going. He laughed and reminded me that in the nearest town the Elders were the branch presidents of their area, that the work I was to do in El Salvador was a bit different than what I had been doing. It was yet another answer to my prayers of wanting desperately to know what in the world I was doing. A feeling of being lost gave way to losing myself in working with the branch members.I was surprised and excited to stay in El Salvador to be Senior companion to Elder Ardilles, my first native companion.He was very pacient with me, the skinny gringo.

Chill pill

There is a new reality that I deal with post TBI, One of these changes in the new reality for me is that I have a shorter fuse and am more prone to fly off the handle.I brought this up to my neurodoc, Dr. Speed. He has me medicated for anxiety and depression, so I was medicated for his safety and mine when he told me that this was common in TBI patients and a medication that they use for seizures and epilepsy has helped, I am a few weeks in on taking my 'chill pill' and have not strangled any of my kids, no promises for the future, but so far so good.This is how I now deal with not having all the answers right now, something about praying for patience but expecting it right now.

Isn't this suppose to be getting easier?

"That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing itself is changed, but that our power to do is increased" -Ralph Waldo Emerson I found this in a General Conference talk titled The Power of Self-Mastery by President Faust in April 2000. I believe that this is true and see it in my life everywhere especially in my physical progress.
As I have always done with life's questions, I tend to over think things, Dr. Jeff Robinson once told me that, "you are very introspective, but that did not mean that you are any good at it!" So, I like to look at both sides of things for better or worse. The other side to self -mastery and therapy in life is that life's therapy gets more and more challenging the more we are able to do, take my Abby girl learning in second grade now to read chapter books, instead of picture books and in math adding and subtracting up to the thousands place.
On a moral/spiritual plain, in a talk by Brad Wilcox he describes the world on a downward escalator morally, so to even keep in a stagnant or stable position, one has to be actively working. In a sense our life is always an uphill climb, 'both ways as it is snowing on the way to school.' such is the price of growth.
I recently text this quote to everyone in my contacts on my phone, so if you got it thinking you were special, you are! This comes from 'The Gospel of Second Chances,' "If you have problems in your life,don't assume there is something wrong with you. Struggling with those problems is at the very core of life's purpose.As we draw closer to God, He will show us our weaknesses and through them make us wiser, stronger. If you are seeing more of your weaknesses that just might mean you are drawing closer to God and not further away"-Bruce C. Haven
In one of my many discouraged moments, I reached out to my Bishop, Jeremy Sorensen and asked him this same question of expecting my trials more manageable. He text me back that, "You are not a fool. You are a child of God and entitled to His blessings. To become as He is requires great struggle. It won't get easier, but your trust in the enabling power of the atonement will strengthen you.I have loads to learn about this enabling power."I read today in Some Miracles Take Time by Art E. Berg, "My dreams are being fulfilled, not in spite of my struggles, but because of them." I have always wanted to help others and now I have an opportunity to show my Heavenly Father's power in my own life. A dear friend Elise Christensen wrote me a letter with the saying,"I am not the man I want to be, but I am not the man I was yesterday." That is the miracle that I have in my own glacerly slow progress. 

Musical moments of learning

A month of musicals:
Lex did her school's production of 'Bye, bye Birdie' and I loved seeing most of her students find themselves on stage and loving the thrill of preforming as she does. "Gifts are given to be given away"-The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Thank you Babe for shinning in your own performances and transfering that to your students as their director.  Brilantcy strikes again!
Lex and I went and saw HTC's production of 'Brigadoon.' Here are some of my moments that caused me to reflect on my own life:When the male lead discovers that he only appreciates something when it is gone, the fact that not everything in his life makes sense, and that love is the most important take home lesson.
Our Abby girl was in her school's production of 'HONK,' thanks to the family members who came and helped this not so shy girl's stage fright and longing to follow in her mom's footsteps to "break a leg" on stage. I loved Ugly's Different, the bullfrog's Warts and All, and Drake's Joys of Motherhood reprise, some how I could relate to all three of these.

"Ordinary?

No, I really don't think so . . . ."()Another shout out to any country music lovers out there to help me source this.
Lex sang this at my grandparent's wedding anniversary and I heard it again at my sister-in-law's wedding. It made me think about a conversation I had with my PT Amy at Neuroworx about what 'normal' really is?Amy is a fellow undergrad in Psych, so she humors me at how smart I think I am in my text book spouting terminology, again, I have them all well trained to feed into my narcissism, but that is an ordinary/normal thing for me to humbly do.