choice

I died at least once, if you ask my Pa, he believes it is several times, regardless I remember being in a room that reminded me of the room that I was married in, a cealing room of the SLC temple with people there that I did not recognize, but they knew me and loved me. They wanted me to stay and come with them into the next room where there were more people and more light and love in, this corresponded to the Celestial room in the temple  I told them that it was not time for me to go, that I needed to go back the way that I came. I cannot put into words the completeness and love that I felt there, There have been and will continue to be times that I remind myself that I had a choice to be here.

Toilet trivia

Life is too short to waste any time, so I have become an addict of trivia books and read them in the bathroom, no worries Lex gifted me a book that has a water-proof cover.Now all I need is to make it antibacterial as well, if they put silver in the cover it would become so, but that would raise the cost of a book that just becomes 'red flagged' for being in the bathroom with me. It is my own version of A.J. Jacob's book 'The Know it All' where he writes of his quest to read the Encyclopedia Britannica and I, like A.J, love finding a time to work in my triva, the roman Goddess of sorcery, crossroads and hounds, in everyday conversations.It keeps life interesting and entertaining.I particularly loved sharing my new found tid bits with my Physical therapist Justin, who shared in my pursuit to know the origins of the mundane and trivial.He shared with me the fact that the expression that I always thought was jimmy-rigg is actually jury-rig and is a nautical term not a law breaking scandal involving 'Twelve Angry men.'
My brain is craving information and growth, maybe I should breakout my university nursing books, I do pride myself on keeping up with things from BBC. As Mr.Mom I will forego working in a potty joke here.

hate being the bad guy

I love my kids and would love to be their best friend, but they need me to be a parent, which means I get to be the one who helps them understand life and consequences. Not my idea of fun, even knowing the importance of what I attempt to do does not make it easy, it makes it necessary, yes.  I am coming to on having a greater respect for my own parents with all of their imperfections, yet doing what they could with what they had been given to work with. Elder Holland said, "Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we(Lord I Believe, April 2013 )."
I think of my time as a ready to Learn Presenter for KUED and the workshop that I did on 'Parenting Counts,' I would tell the parents that growing up what is now called positive reinforcement was just called bribing,  who knows what our children will call it when they do it to their kids.

Milestones/victories of a CHAMPION

My Pa keeps reminding me we go from 49 to 50, not 0 to 100, step by step, one bite of the elephant at a time, I recently read another image provoking thought, I think it is called a metaphor that helps me in this part of my life therapy,  it is one of an hourglass and how many grains of sand can fit through the narrow neck- only one at a time. I find it very important for me to remember and rejoice in what I am able to do.Some of my milestones since the accident are: Sitting up in bed,standing for five minutes in a height adjusted walker, counting backwards by 7's from 99, it isn't as easy as it sounds,getting up and making it to the bathroom by myself, Lex bought me a pin that has a stick-figure person standing with TP that says,'I pooped today,' going back to work part time, walking, baring my testimony, staying home with the kids by myself for an hour, Showering by myself, changing a diaper, Coleman's, not mine, going anywhere without my yellow beauty, my wheelchair,Doing the dishes, reading a book without pictures, Walking around the block, getting off pain meds,speaking in church,Being Mr. Mom all day, getting my Colester down for a nap, Getting to our ward house on time for meetings, just one street over, taking out the garbage, volunteering in kindergarten  getting on the floor to play Batman with Max and Coleman and being able to get up and off of it, having the torso strength to take the arm rests off my wheelchair, walking a mile on the Locomat at Neroworx, Bring the empty garbage cans in, off the street, not having to nap during the day, staying up past 8:30, getting up before noon, going to a job interview, going anywhere in a car without losing what was in my stomach. Handbiking 0.25 of a mile, To be continued. . . .

Going backwards to be able to go forward

Being in a wheelchair now, while having lived, gratefully not in one for the majority of my life, although I have painted myself into a corner several times  and have needed someone outside looking in to help me to figure my way out. I find myself trapped into some tight spaces occasionally. In order to get going again, I have had to backup and start over, something that I am starting to do without getting completely frustrated at my self for having to do  it again for the "umpteenth time," something about how we learn best by repetition. When will I learn already?

moving forward

I had a therapist tell me that I needed to stop looking at every slight variance in the road ahead, to look instead to a fixed point in the distance and work to get there. If not, that I would be left going every other direction except forward.I stop hyperventilating now, thanks to much reassurance from those that love me, about the small stuff. Again from my Pa, telling me that he once went to an improving your marriage workshop where the speaker said that he had decided that he would worry about the big things; if they had to drop a nuclear bomb or man a mission to Mars, and that his wife was in charge of the rest.
Lex is working for now and loves to teach her passions and help ignite a love for them in others.She enjoys doing shows at a phenominal nonprofit theater, Hale Center Theater, Max is getting ready for kindergarten and Abby at second grade, I am getting old applying for jobs in the education and nonprofit sectors, while attempting to be Mr Mom, the hardest and most fulfilling job I have ever or will ever have.Coleman is keeping me busy

knowing our limitations

I have found myself continually trying to do things that require two hands/arms, part of me wants to continue to do these things, but the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over again expecting different results, Talking with Lex the other day I got the courage to ask her, 'Now they(the doctors) said that I could not get worse, right?' She smiled and told me that the Neurologist said they could diagnose everything from the nose down.'She added, 'Curtis you are going to get older.' So, another part of me knows that my potential is still yet to be determined by what I choose to do.
We live in a world that is made for two hands, from driving to opening something for dinner. I find that life could be one small disappointment after another, if I did not move forward with what has happened with a level of acceptance and assurance "that it will be alright in the end,and if it is not alright, it is not the end."

'Why do we fall Bruce?'

I had just seen the new 'Batman' movie when I fell and broke my arm while getting into the car to go to therapy with my Pa., for the next month or so after I replayed this question with the response, 'to learn to get back up.'
This goes nicely with a story that I remember hearing in high school seminary about a runner falling before finishing the race and his/her father telling him/her to get up and take his/her place.
In life it is not important how often we may fall, just as long as we get back up and "keep moving forward" as the Neuroworx theme says.

Falling short of perfection

Big surprise there, Eh? I am a recovering perfectionist. I can remember the first time that I was asked by a therapist if I was a perfectionist? I replied that "I was far from perfect, so how could I be?" I also was told that I had an "all or nothing" mindset, talk about thinking in extremes. Not one of my finer traits, but like anything else in life we are able to make our weaknesses into strengths or at the very least make them work for us instead of against us.
The more that I learn about how weird I am, the more I learn that we all are in varying degrees our own unique, and imperfect weird. If we are honest with ourselves, we will be able to let our gaurd down and be alright with our imperfect selves, which will allow us to be honest with others and accepting their imperfections as well.
I think of a toddler learning to walk and can relate to him/her being afraid to fall.This summer with my wife being off, I plan to not use the yellow beauty of a wheelchair at home.So, unplanned falls will be part of my future. I am learning to assess the damage and to get back on the horse so to speak, hopefully a bit more steady then the last step. Here's to falling forward

elbow bones

Is a strictly me and my kids form of fist bumps. I love having something that is uniquely, and awkwardly ours.My Pa has his 'Dadisms,' his endless repeating of his favorite sayings.I will be known for my own few; Awesome possum is at the top of the list. My kids also know that if I ever get a hold of them, I will pop their toe knuckles by pulling on them, something my sister says she remembers me doing to her when we were growing up.She claims that when she gets arthritis in her toes, it will be my fault.I responded by wishing her that arthritis in her toes will be her biggest concern in her old age.